No Safe Place

Sometimes my better instincts undermine me. One of the things I have tried hard to do, in this journey, is NOT be deceptive, sneaky, or evasive. More than once I've walked into an argument by simply deciding to tell the truth, or not "cover my tracks" even when I knew what price would be paid.

More than once, I've been convinced that the desperation to change my mind, or at least undermine me, by any means necessary, might have provoked less . . . honorable choices on the other side of this debate, but again, I have made some effort to NOT point the finger of accusation because ultimately, the points made are small and the feeling hurt are much more valuable.

I must confess, however, that as the "cold war" (for lack of a better term) lingers on now into its sixth month, it does become more and more difficult to be open knowing that my openness will just get me an ass chewing (or someone else one). One of the things I had valued about some of my favorite places on-line is that they have served, many times, as a "safety valve" - a safe harbor place where I could speak freely without condemnation, even when someone disagreed. On the rare occasion when someone "took me on" to try and change my mind, it was still the sort of forum where views could be frankly and fully exchanged. I don't think I've made any converts and I can state with confidence that no one who's tried to "straighten me out" has made even a tiny dent (that's because all their clever arguments are things I've already thought of and cried over - perhaps I'll tell you about the latest attack someday). But truthfully, I sometimes enjoy even the attacks because it gives me a chance to lay out all the counter-arguments that are so difficult to get in edge-wise in the real world (and never do any good).

It's a myth strongly believed around these parts, that people on the internet have "got in my head" and filled me up with bad ideas that I'd never have had without their help. Does that mean every man sitting at a computer is in danger of turning into a chick someday? Jokes aside, I don't have to tell you again what I've said before about the history of this matter. Before I'd ever logged onto the internet the first time, I remember taking walks at night, down a deserted road and sitting on a wall or a stump and looking up at God and crying bitter tears and asking him why he wouldn't take this curse from me. I try very hard to be understanding but those who say such things ("people online are filling your head with shit") don't realize what a profound insult it is to be told all those previous feelings about yourself don't count.

Even if it were true - and it's not - that I only found the courage to do something about my condition because I became aware of others who had (I've been knowing about successful transitions for a longtime before that) - what is the argument? That I would have been just fine to have never had that courage, and to STAY miserable and self-hating? What kind of love demands that the one loved suffer on your behalf?

But I digress. The point is, that everyone needs some emotional release, and yes, even a sympathetic ear. And I am thankful for those i have found over the years. I'm even thankful for the hours I can waste arguing about baseball and, for a time, distracting myself from the soap-opera drama of my life. but my openness and transparency has, apparently, painted me into a corner.

I make it possible for her to access pretty much everything I do and say on-line. I don't point it all out to her but it's all easy enough to find if one wants to look. But the down-side of that is that I ask for trouble if I'm as honest as I tend to be. there's no point in writing a blog about this sort of thing and wasting a post talking about the new kitten or whatever, as if there's nothing important to say. But when you say the important stuff, there will be a backlash from those who disagree with your point of view.

So you get to the point where you say "Should I be more sneaky? should I slip around and hide what I have to say? Or, should I simply keep my mouth shut and not ask for trouble?"

If you read some of the recent comment threads, you'll see where I'm coming from. I can't, in good conscious, keep providing what amounts to fodder for arguments, both at home and on-line. I don't need any more reasons to fight here, and I don't see any upside in the sort of exchange that happen in the last thread.

So, for now, don't be surprised if you see a lot more posts here - when I post at all - about vanilla, ultimately meaningless, stuff. Oh hopefully it will still be interesting - I'd like to think at some point I could tell you I had a job and how that was going. But there's always going to be the self censor, until things are settled at home for better or worse. Until I let you know different, this is one fewer "safe place" for me.