Thursday, February 18, 2010

Folk do love to talk

Really don't have time to do one of my long winded dissertations this time. I'm back working for the Census and that takes up a lot of my formerly unoccupied time. But for those of you who hang on my every word, I have to throw out a little red meat once in a while, right?

I've gotten a chance to talk to some friends lately that I don't get to see as much as I'd like (although at least I know they are still my friends now but I digress) and we talked, as friends are wont to do, about various and sundry things. The interesting thing is just how interesting I've apparently become. Over time I eventually become aware of things that I might not have known about from my own observations (like the folks who have a big laugh about me after I leave their store) and for the most part, I shrug it off. As I've said before, I had no illusions about what my social status would be once I came out, and I'm always more surprised when someone is kind to me than I am when someone is hateful. Still, there's a certain ironic pleasure in knowing about the hypocrisy of those who feign kindness to your face and mock you behind your back.

But more amusing than that is the simple fact that some folks apparently can't get enough of me, or at least of talking about me. If I'm to believe what I hear, there's apparently little else to talk about in this town but the Tranny in our midst. Either that, or there are some folks with such empty lives that they have to cling to the occupation of dwelling on the lives of others like some pathetic hanger-on wondering where Paris Hilton is getting her hair done these days.

I mean seriously, I've been doing this out loud for almost four months now, does it really take four months to express how much you disapprove? Or do you simply have nothing else in your life as interesting as me? Here's a thought for you - MAYBE the person you are rattling on about my makeup and skirt to is as sick of hearing you go on about it as they are of me. Just maybe.

The wonderful arrogance of some folks is that they are so sure they are right it never occurs to them anyone else would disagree. Or at least, if they have any sense they won't.

What's worse than that is the breathtaking conceit it takes to address a subject you've never spent five consecutive minutes in your life seriously pondering and appoint yourself an expert on the subject, and the final word of authority on a subject in regards to people who have spent there whole life thinking and pondering and praying and studying about it. How does that add up to anything but naked arrogance?

I don't have to remind you again - but I will because none of you has the guts or the intellectual fortitude to answer the question - how weak it is to proclaim you know God's mind on this subject when you do two things which totally undermine that claim:

First, you cannot all agree on even the core truths of the faith. when all Christian denominations know the mind of God on the particulars of salvation, or baptism, or which Bible you are supposed to be reading, then one of you can step up and give us God's mind on transsexuals;

Second, you happily lay aside other "sins" in order to judge this sin - or don't you think I know how readily you forget how much "God hates divorce" when the alternative is being married to a freak? So much for the old canard about all sins being equal, eh? Or is there some verse that i missed which says "It's ok to divorce your husband if he ever puts on a bra." But then, there would have to been such-a-damn-thing as a bra 2,000 years ago for that to have been there huh?

How is it you appoint yourself my judge when your own house is in such disarray? What you are too blind to see is that you are judging me not because I violate God's word, but because I violate your cultural sensibilities.

Finally, on a slightly different variation of the same subject - the more you folks run your mouth, the more I know who you are. which is GOOD. Don't flatter yourself into believing my feelings are hurt, or that I'm holding a grudge or that I'm mad. I'm not mad - I'm relieved. I'm relieved to have the truth of things out in the open and out from behind the mask of civility. The great thing about coming out is that you come out too - dealing with people like me not only reveals what I am but it reveals - for better or worse - what you are. I've learned that some people (including those who DON'T agree with my position) are very good people at heart. And I've learned . . . well . . . let's just say I've learned some other things, too. That kind of information is valuable. After 40 years of hiding from the world, I've learned to hate masks in all forms. It's every bit as refreshing to see yours come off as it is to take mine off, no matter what's behind it.

One of these days I'll do something with this page besides vent, hopefully. It really does kind of piss me off that udring a period of time when I'm more joyful in my very soul than I ever believed was possible, that I can't just bask in that without having to deal with all the BS. Just because I knew it was coming doesn't mean it's not a pain in the butt.

Friday, February 12, 2010


I assume most of you are familiar with the term, but for those who are not - shunning is the practice, usually by a religious sect, of deliberately avoiding interaction with a deviant member of the community. Ostensibly it is to coerce the person into acceptable behavior, but often in practice it amounts to a form of punishment upon that which the community has judged unacceptable.

Now, to be clear, I can't say that shunning doesn't have a purpose. If you had a repeated child molester in your midst you wouldn't socialize with that person, for just one example. But as with many things of this sort, a grain of logic is often extrapolated to ridiculous lengths.

I'm not bringing this up because I'm worried for my own sake. I expected a measure of it when I came out. The range of reactions I have received has been fascinating to observe, from those who (actually or virtually) hugged my neck and accepted me without reservation, to those who "love me anyway" even though I know they wish I hadn't, to those who tell me to my face they don't judge me but behind my back it's a different story, to those who snicker and smirk when they see me pass by (as if they are superior to the poor freak in their midsts) to those who tell me flat out "you are wrong," they come in all shapes and sizes, including those who can't dirty the soles of their feet to go near me now.

That's ok, all of it. True, I have and will again take issue with the lack of logic or compassion the more negative reactions arise from (trivia time! did you know that the same chapter of the New Testament most often quoted against "sexual sinners", of which I am apparently one in many people's view, ALSO says that on the list of folks God isn't happy with are the "unforgiving" and "unmerciful"? True story!!) I certainly understand the thinking behind it and am prepared to accept the reality that such will come my way. I'm no more qualified to judge you on that score than you are to judge my failings.

But what really pisses me off is those among you who see fit to make my wife pay for my alleged sins.

In case some of you bozos didn't know it - she does NOT approve, endorse, or accept my situation. I hate that this is the case, her love for me is so great that the conflict between her views on this subject and her feelings for me are extremely painful to her and I would love to be able to help her see my point of view. Still, as things stand I sometimes think I'm a threat to her sanity. I believe that her views arise from the same sort of lies we've all been taught on this subject - it's the culture that's all around us and none of us are immune from its influence - but that's neither here nor there.
We are trying desperately to find a way to work through this and preserve the love we have for each other. (And as an aside, you might see some adjustments to my behavior in an effort to make it easier for her - don't think that means I am uncertain or confused, I do anything of that sort I do for her) and I am staggered by how hard it is for both of us.


You people, and you know who you are, who are punishing her for my screw ups - kindly get the hell over yourself! What kind of person are you to shun an innocent party (a victim, if you think I am wrong) because of the "sins" of another? those of you who called her friend (and would still claim to be) or even kin but can't be kind enough to even speak to her in a public place for fear of somehow being in the presence of the freak...or maybe out of fear your kindness will be seen as approval - are you REALLY that hard hearted? If she ever needed friends and family, she needs you now and where are you? it doesn't take much. No one is asking you to go out of your way, just a smile and a greeting go a long way. Don't worry, I won't mistake your kindness for support. If you wanted to support me you would take the time to say so and if you don't, more power to you - I don't sit home at night wondering why you don't. But she has done nothing to anyone, and yet you shun her. Shame on you.

I thank God for those among her friends who do still interact with her and treat her with kindness, you are a blessing to her - but you are a far too small percentage of the whole, in my opinion.

Another crowd I want to rant at - that lot of you who think you are clever to giggle and smirk and mock the freak in your midst. Don't think I'm missing that or unaware, I know about it. I just chose to not acknowledge it because I don't need your approval. It's human nature that most people instinctively are looking around to see who they are "better than" so they can elevate their own opinion of themselves and if your little ego needs the boost you get from looking down on me, then knock yourselves out.


Would it trouble you too much to reserve that for when I'm alone? She sees it and it hurts her. As much as you can't comprehend it, as much as you think she should have kicked my ass out (and I don't necessarily disagree) she DOES, somehow, still love me and it pains her to see me/us laughed at openly. If you MUST get your jollies by mocking me (and again, I personally don't care if you do) then do HER, not me, the slight favor of making sure you are well out of view and hearing before you do. After all, if you really are so much better than me, then surely a little human kindness is within your sterling character, right?

Otherwise, I'd be forced to conclude you are just as screwed up as I am - just in a less obvious way.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Still Here

Just a short note - assuming it's within my abilities to write anything in a short form - to say I haven't forgotten this blog or abandoned it. It's just been one of those weeks in which anything I would write would be heavy and emotional and too much of what I have posted here has been in that vein. I fear I would only be repeating myself (not that I haven't before).

My spouse and I have a huge job in front of us working out where we go from here. The basics being that I'm not sure I can live as the man she fell in love with, and she's certain she can't live with the woman I am now - and yet neither of us has any desire to be apart.

The reality is though, that one of these things must happen. Right now, I can't begin to predict which.

All I'll say on it for now is that any changes you might see in the near future are on a trial basis. If you know her and you wonder how it is she is "putting up with this" - then be advised she doesn't approve, doesn't support, and wants no part of Laura. It's only her deep love that has allowed her to endure this far, but it's fairly described as a trial period. If we separate for a while, that too, will be a trial. I'm of the opinion that to do anything more dramatic would be a rash move. If (as hard as it is for me to even admit this as a possibility) you see me out and about without the usual female adornments - that too would be a trial.

It would be a grievous mistake for you to assume I was in any doubt about who and what I am and the path I have chosen. If I were to submit myself to such a trial it would ONLY be an outgrowth of being unable to cause her the pain I am causing anymore. but it would most defiantly be abject surrender, not changing my mind. Not sure what it would do to my sanity though (assuming you think I have any left).

Anyway, the upshot is that if I were to say too much here, I'd go into a dark miserable whine which would not be productive. No one said this would be easy.