I know that perhaps some of you are concerned about the state of the recent and ongoing crisis. I really don't have any specific report except to say that if everything spoken this evening was sincere, and my use of "if" should not be construed as an accusation that it was not, then we have something of an understanding about what we're willing to do in order to at least see this through until the kids are older. I'm defining "older" in my mind as when you younger son gets to 17 which is a bit over 3 years away.
I cannot, of course, be certain that what has been said will be done - it's well documented here that I'm five months into the last compromise and feel like it was on balance a colossal failure, except that it bought five more months (which is not inconsiderable but not what I had hoped for). Perhaps I am being gullible in taking the current agreement on good faith, but my kids deserve our last best effort and I cannot lightly turn away from a proposal which will be for their good. Within a few months, at the most, I'll have a reasonable idea whether we can find a livable situation, at least, if not some rekindled affection.
But that's not what this post is about.
I filled out an application for Toyota today, the latest in a long line of applications for employment Ive done in the last six weeks or so. Well, not the latest - there was another tonight. But I have to note in passing that some of the places I've applied to, including Toyota, have explicit language in their employment policies which prohibit discrimination based on gender identity along with the other so-called "protected classes." so do Lowe's and Wal-mart (at least) among other places I've applied.
This is good because I have resolved that when (IF!) I am hired, I shall be clear up front that my employer is hiring a woman, despite what the legal name says. If I cannot be employed under that circumstance, then I cannot be employed. The truth is that my appearance and in some cases my situation precede me. There's every possibility that my appearance would be unacceptable in many jobs if I presented myself as a male. But beyond that, it is dishonest and unfair to "man-up" for an employer only to come around at some point and say "next week I'll be a woman." It's an excellent way to get yourself fired, even if the official reason is not on account of the change in your presentation.
And the alternative - to be trapped in a half-way existence because you are in a job you can't afford to lose and can't transition in, is too daunting to even consider. There HAS to be some place out there where the hiring is done by a compassionate and accepting person who will not bar the door to me because of my status, If not, then I'm doomed. Some will argue that I should make any sacrifice, including de-transitioning, in order to support my family. But the harsh reality is that I was having huge problems finding a job before I began this journey and there is no guarantee that wearing that mask gets me any job anyway, especially given the rather high profile of my transition thus far.
Ultimately I have to be true to myself - if she needs to find a better provider she has my endorsement on that, I've been a poor provider for a lot longer than I've been out of the closet. If I end up living on the street rather than compromise my soul, so be it.
I said there was another application tonight. it was an ad for a part-time position and it asked I submit a resume by e-mail. which I did, with a full explanation of who Tammy was in relation to the male name on the resume. They will hire, or not hire, Tammy. But I am not ashamed of who I am, and will not hide it from anyone. let the chips fall.