Friday, August 13, 2010


So I'm weak. In every way. so shoot me and put me out of my misery then.

I said I wasn't going to do this but I'm weak.

I'm told I should stop trying to have it both ways and move on, but if not doing so makes me weak, then I'm weak.

I'm told by others that I should sacrifice my own happiness and even sanity for the good of others - and because I cannot apparently I'm weak.

I have moments when I'd very much like to erase myself from this world and somewhere some fool would say that holding back shows I'm weak.

So yeah, call me weak - surely there are reasons which suit your point of view.

I'm told that if I go forward, that there will be a terrible, violent, frankly insane price to pay. Even if that turns out to not happen, the price which seems almost certain to be paid is one that paralyzes me with fear.

I'm told that I can make everything right if I just put my soul back in the closet and wear the mask of a man again. And yet even the simplest steps in that direction tear me heart out.

And every time that..."discussion" held, my love for anything - ANYTHING - in this life dies a little more.

I don't see a future worth living anymore - if I go, the crushing guilt will rob me of any joy, if i stay, the blackness of my heart will make everyone around me miserable.

There's no place for me in this world. The very most i can do is be an empty figurehead to my kids until they are grown, just long enough that they don't have to suffer from my pathetic weakness any more than possible.

Then fade away. I always knew there was no place for me in this life, I don't know why I lied to myself this long. Everyone who ever got closed to me is cursed by my existence. The sooner all of you forget you ever knew me the better off you'll be.


  1. This is utter bullshit.

    No one said life is easy but checking out is never the answer...never.

    You can never, never, never ever be responsible for what another person chooses to do to themselves. No matter what they say. People who make threats like that are being manipulative and controlling.

    Kids are incredibly's the fighting and threats that will harm them more than two mommies will.

    I would like to think neither one of you are so cruel and rotten as to fuck up your kids permanently the way suicide of a parent would. If there was ever a weapon that needs to stop being picked up and wielded it's that one. The same thing with threats of "losing one's mind" or any other pathetic bullshit ultimatums put out there. are needed and you are loved. You knew this would be hard and it is but you are stronger than you think..don't give in to feeling sorry for yourself and chin up for another day. *hugs*

  2. I'm not. Recognizing that I don't find the future appealing is NOT a statement I'm going to do the stupid thing. At the VERY least not while I have minor children, but I'm not setting a date or any such thing.

    I'll reserve comment here about the seriousness of her threats.