Monday, July 26, 2010

The Fuzz at the End of the Rope

I've been asked to not "air the dirty laundry" here so much (and even telling you i was ask is an act of doing so) and I've tried to be sensitive to that request but I am pretty sure I'm about to defy it. I know as I write each word I'll likely catch hell for them but I honestly don't know how to keep this bottled up anymore and repeating the same circular argument at home never gets anywhere (not that I expect this to get anywhere but at least it's some place besides around in a circle).

The short version (as if I ever write the short version of anything) is that the light at the end of the tunnel is now very clearly an oncoming train.

Before I go further, let me just say that on this one post - don't reply with advice. I think it will become clear that I'm not unaware of the situation, the possible choices, and the potential consiquences. I don't think anyone is going to tell me something I haven't thought of to this point. Further to that, this isn't about heroes and villains, there's no upside in laying blame or calling names or otherwise trying to pick a winner here.

The final analysis here is that as I look to my future, I have essentially three choices, and all of them are wrong to a greater or lesser degree. All of them stand to cause immense pain and suffering, all of them are in some way a failure. this is the corner circumstances have painted me into, and I frankly see no way out.

(and yes, if you are thinking some of this you've read before, probably so. forgive me for that)

Let me take a moment up front to be very clear about my view of my own role in this - even though I have no choice about my condition, the situation is ultimately a result of poor choices on my behalf. I chose (those clearly it would have been very unusual to have chosen otherwise) when I was a very young person to hide my condition and not come out and deal with it. I think it is defensable to not admit you are trans in North Mississippi in the late 70's and early 80's - especially for one who was just coming into adulthood. nevertheless, it was my choice.

It was my choice to accept as true the teaching that God didn't want me to be "perverted" and would heal me of my "besetting sin." Again, I think any rational person would agree that that was not a malicious choice or one taken in order to deceive or cause pain - it was a sincere desire to be "normal" which I like to think I can't be faulted for but, again, it was a choice I made.

It was my choice, a little over three years later, to take a wife in the sincere faith and intention that God would deliver me from my affliction and I would rise to the occasion to be the husband she deserved. It was my decision to not tell her about this issue in the expectation she'd never have any reason to know, and the firm conviction that she wouldn't have been able to deal with it any more then than she has now (less even!). This one I don't even try to excuse. It's inarguable that it was fair for her to know, and fair for her to have had the chance to reject me then when there was less at stake. My only plea here is to ask which of you, had you been in that position, would have had the courage to tell the person you love something that you were convinced would cause her to utterly reject you? My crime hear is ultimately simply fear. But I plead guilty.

It was my choice, ultimately, to - after having been convinced by 20 years of waiting and trying that God was not, in fact, worried about my condition and that it would never change - take the massive risk that she would love me enough to love me even in this condition. I could have continued to repress, and never revealed my dark secret, until the day my soul rotted away to the point where I ended my life without her ever even knowing why. Which would of course have left her devestated thinking that somehow she caused me to do so. But still, it's a choice - and I made it.

In all this I do not lay blame upon God, or upon man, or upon my wife. We all come to the crossroadsand we pick a direction to travel. where you end up depends on the roads you choose. Blame isn't really helpful. No one owes me anything. Very little would be lost in this world had I never drawn the first breath, I know my place in the world. So don't read any of this as pointing fingers and don't point your own.

But the fact remains that the crossroads I have arrived at all seem to be trails which disappear into the dark woods.

If I take all the well-intentioned advice (which I believe, by the way) - the platitudes that people quote in their sig lines and their status updates - about never submitting yourseldf to the approval of others, about being true to yourself, about not living with regret, and all the rest --- If I do what I believe, then I MUST follow through on my transition. On a much more tangible note, I CAN'T let it go. Every time I leave the house without makeup and all the rest, it depresses my soul unto death. Every time I consider even superficial things like cutting my nails, or running an errand without a clean shave - I. Just. Can't. Do. It.

I've looked into the mirror and, finally after all these decades, I've seen ME. I KNOW who I am now in the most clear, stark, undeniable terms. that which has been seen cannot be unseen! It's not just about what I look like now but it is represented in my mind and spirit by that image. Being Tammy is no longer just some pipe-dream more unlikely than winning the lottery without a ticket - it's a reality, it's my heart and soul and I can't imagine even the most superficial acts to compromise that lasting for any length of time. Right now, living under the compromise agreement, every day is a struggle to not toss that aside and go back to full on presentation.

If I'm going to be whole in spirit and sane in my mind, I MUST go forward. But the darkness attached to this option is that it will destroy her life and by extension, do great harm to the lives of my children. She's made it abundantly clear, in every possible way, that ultimately the only way we stay together is if I "quit this shit." While obviously it would be ideal if she would accept me, short of that I'd like nothing better than for her to find a real man who could be what she deserved - even if that meant she had to hate me to move on to that. However, it appears this isn't the likely outcome.

Rather, the apparent likely outcome is something akin to what they used to call a "nervous breakdown" - negatively impacting her own life and her ability to function as a caregiver to the kids (and possibly impacting their relationship with her). Admittedly such breakdowns are usually temporary but the effects are not necessarily thus. This is compounded by an emotional deceleration that if I leave that she wants nothing from me in terms of assistance or support. This has the potential for grave consequences that are not easily dismissed. I could of course wash my hands and move on and leave her to her fate but I find myself entirely unwilling to be that cold. On the other hand, she cannot know from experience that there is life after me unless she is forced to confront it, and so there's a sound argument that my compassion in hesitating is actually doing her a disservice in the long run. It could also be argued that subconsciously there's an effort to make the potential consequences SEEM so VERY bad that I won't be able to make this choice - even if, should I follow through, they wouldn't in fact turn out that way.

The second option is to surrender. give her the illusion she wants (and which she insists is no illusion but the reality) that I am "the man she married" and all is well again. There are a few problems with this. First, the memory of this episode doesn't just go away. The doubts she has now she will always have because she knows about Tammy, even if Tammy is hiding in the closet. She will never again be able to be confident her relationship will last forever.
Second, if it is, after all, possible for me to simply repress these desires and be a "normal" man - then all this pain and drama was ultimately caused for no good reason and that, in itself, is reason to be forever displeased with me. Logically, if I did all this for any other reason than because I HAD to, no sane woman should want to preserve a relationship with such a man.

Third, and most importantly, I would not and could not ever be the man she remembers. As I said above, now that I have clearly seen and felt and experienced what it is to be myself, EVERY day that I don't live that life will be torture to me. Even now, every time some well meaning lose-lipped clerk calls me "sir" it's enough to make me want to cry. The idea that I could feel that way every time I get dressed, every time I wash my face, every time I brush my hair, every time I sign my name, for the rest of my life? There's no way that person is anyone that any sane person would want to share a life and a home with. Even if I LOOK like her husband, there will be nothing there fit to love. Nor anyone fit to be a father. Ultimately, there can be no joy for anyone in this scenario. Least of all for me.

She ask me, by the way, to "just try" to do this - so that in theory she can see that what I'm telling you (and her) is true. and deep down I wish more than anything that it were possible to pack it all away and go back to looking like the man she wants to see - if I thought there was any way to force myself to do that even if we set a firm date when I could stop that torture - just so she would know in her heart that I really did try because I love her that much. When I look at the situation through her eyes it makes perfect sense. but I JUST CAN'T make myself do it. My harshest critics can't wrap their mind around that, hell I can't understand it myself. By all that's holy I WISH I could stop. Permanently even but at least long enough for her to know that I'd do that for her. But the idea of going out the door tomorrow, or the next day - let alone for months or years - in a completely male identity right down to my underwear terrifies me to the bone. This isn't the choice I don't want to make - it's the choice I am compelled by forces beyond my control to reject.

The third option, listed mainly for completeness but which I cannot deny creeps into my mind more often lately, is to choose not to choose. A handful of pills or a plugged exhaust, you get the idea. I tell you very frankly that as of now, this still seems the most unlikely of choices because it has the same negative impact as Choice #1 with no personal upside. it exists on the list, really, as nothing more than the outlet for insufferable frustration at not being able to finally choose either 1 or 2. it would be insanity, to be sure, but I feel like I'm losing my sanity having to make a choice which has no rational right answer. I'll say nothing else about this one except to say that if I choose #2, ultimately I'm choosing #3, only on a time delay. that's where that road ends eventually.

Why then, did I write all this? Mostly, just as stress release. I have to say it somewhere, even in this dark corner of the net where almost no one ever goes (the most hits I've ever had in one day was 12 and almost certainly one or two of those was me). Also, because whatever happens to me, in terms of going forward or backing up or dropping off the figurative face of the earth, I want it said somewhere that my intentions were not exclusively self-serving. That whatever I did, I did NOT take the easy way out and wash my hands of the mess that my life created. I want to say to those who have ears and open minds to listen, I DO love her enough to not consider her my enemy or someone to be escaped from. I love her enough to drag my feet about finishing a journey which has done my soul more good than I ever thought possible - to at least pause and consider spiritual bondage and suicide to keep from causing her more pain.

I could have, perhaps, said this behind closed doors, if it would have been believed - but then no one who had any willingness to believe it would have heard it said at all. So I broke the rule. I "aired the dirty laundry" once again. Add that to the long long list of all the other ways I screwed up in life. On the whole balance sheet, it's really probably a pretty tiny entry.


  1. I could have written this blog myself just a few short years ago. Almost word for word.

    I know that you are not looking for advice. But, I will offer encouragement.

    These are the most difficult days you will ever experience in your life. Your universe has been totally flipped upside down. They will test your mettle to is very core. Few things, if any, seem to make sense anymore.

    Save for one little thing. You already know what it is.

    That one little thing is that the reflection in the mirror is suddenly right.

    That inner resonance of joy - that body & soul are finally in harmony - is what will carry you through these darkest of days. And, I am sorry to say, they will get darker before they get better.

    But, they will get better.

    That light at the end of the tunnel is not the headlight of an oncoming freight train. No. ma'am.

    That's the light of day coming for your true self.

    And the sunshine is glorious!


  2. If you can't help the feeling than I give you got.but you don't have to put your marriage and family through all this for dont have to act on it.Don't lose everything for this.

  3. All I'll say is I love you, my friend. Chin up and have strength.

  4. Their is no such person

    If you wanted to be a woman you should have done it before you had a family,which you didn't so live with it and be a man.

    For all the people on here who thinks who thinks I'm the bitch (some of you do)i'm not the one who is trying to be something i'm not.

    The question he has to ask his self is this SHIT worth losing his family over.Which by the way he is. Thanks to listening to you ASSHOLES is what he's doing.STOP FILLING HIS HEAD WITH ALL THIS SHIT.He didn't start doing this until he started checking out all this TS SHIT.

    So be a MAN,a HUSBAND,and a FATHER. not a WOMAN,WIFE, and not a MOTHER.cause this family don't need another WOMAN.

  5. Tammy IS the only real woman here. Look at are so needy and grasping you would rather be evil, cruel and controlling than open your eyes and accept the truth...that "man" you knew WAS NEVER REAL...he was the act, the shadow Tammy hid in when she was too scared to face the truth.

    What sort of person would rather keep the tattered remains of a broken human being at all costs than face the truth? Do you even have a shred of individual dignity?

    Are you so pure and perfect that you can sit in judgement over Tammy? Do you believe your life and actions will be so pleasing to God that he won't be wroth at the evil you spit at Tammy and now, the rest of us?

    And lest you jump to conclusions...I am not TS/TG...I am a christian and a wife and I love God...the same god who admonished us to treat people the way we want to be treated...the one who cautioned to judge not, lest we be judged. And I love Tammy because she is a loving spirit and a good friend and I know that no matter how much she tries to appease you, she can't unless she accepts being something she is not and living a half-life of pain and shame.

    It isn't isn't right.

  6. IF you think TAMMY is a real WOMAN the you have a bigger problem than I do.

    Bitch stay the hell out of my marriage.IF you think it's okay for a man to throw away his family for something hes not nor never will be than BITCH you are all fuck up.

    BTW, God made ADAM and EVE not AND and STEVE, God did not make a mistake when he created GERRY. He created GERRY for his family and me to love, not TAMMY.

    what kind of GOD do you worship,

    I'm tired of people like you putting you nose in my business.

    So BITCH FUCK off,stay out of my marriage.

  7. And there you see it - what I see. Not every day, but way more than half of them. Not all day, just an hour or two at a time and then usually not again 'til the next day.

    The same "arguments" - the same naked emotion. The same inability to apply any reason.

    It's the exact opposite of the usually gentle spirit I saw from day one.

    Don't get me wrong, I understand completely where the emotion comes from. It's surely very much like what one might feel for a murder, or even just a careless drunk, who took a loved one from your life. That's not a place where reason can ever trump emotion.

    But it does make every "discussion" turn out the same:

    You: "WHY?!"

    Me: [explains again]

    You: "I don't understand..."

    followed by a lot of ignored comments from me and a lot of nasty hurtful anger from you.
    The sort of stuff neither of us ever imagined you could say to anyone, least of all me.

    Again, I DO understand - but it's more and more unpleasant every time, especially when there is nothing new to say.

    And what hurts, perhaps more than anything, is that I have to see with my own eyes what this crisis is doing to you - how it hurts you. how it turns you into something you don't deserve to be.

    And then, the icing on the cake, is to have you and your supporters suggest that I would ever do that to you if I had any other choice - that in essence I'm causing you this distress ON PURPOSE.

    anyone - including you - who EVER had any respect for and belief in the feelings I've had for you and how I showed them over the last 20 years would know in an instant that I would do anything I could possibly do to keep you from ever being hurt by me.

    If you don't believe that - you or anyone else - than nothing any of you have ever said in the past about believing in me, or respecting me, or whatever, means a damned thing - because it can't both be true that I was who you believed me to be then, and also the person who would purposely hurt you like this now when I have a choice.

    This has gone on too long for a comment - I'll save the rest for a new post.

  8. stop making me seem like the bitch or that's the one who's wrong.

    you're the one who went about all this wrong did you sat down and talk about all this with me HELL NO you didn't you did what you wanted and thorough was right not caring about my feeling or how it would effect us.

    so please stop saying how I don't care or how wrong I am or any of your friends who don't like it. you should have talk to the people about all this before you did it.

    I'm not the one who's being selfish here,
    give you're kids the DAD they need.

  9. She is not making you seem like a bitch.

    YOU are showing all of us exactly what you are without her help.

    If you think we can't tell that the reason you are pissed is that Tammy had the audacity to deal with her issues without giving you the chance to try and shame and torture her into not being publicly female before your judgmental friends found out about it...then you are kidding yourself.

    If you think for even one second what you are doing here is being a good Christian, I have news for you...treating people like crap and spewing obscenities isn't proscribed in my bible.

    Oh, and using the children? Is there no end to the lows you will stoop to?

    Just you treat Tammy today, no matter what your opinion is, will be something you have to answer for. Not only that, you too will be judged by the same standard by which you judge others..see the Lord's Prayer. best be sure you are pure and sinless before casting stones.

  10. Tracie,

    I'm tired of your bullshit. Do us both a favor and but out .Let us try and work this out it's none of your or anyone's business on here.

    I’m trying to be nice about it but we don’t need your or anyone else input on this.

    If he cared as much as he say he does than he would have thought more about how this would effect other as well as his self. But the only person he thought about was him.

    If he throws his family away for this that’s him. He has to live with it.I just don’t want my kids to lose their DAD.which they will be if he goes though with TAMMY.(he thinks being tammy won;t change things but what he won’t see is if GERRY don’t exist anymore than neither does their DAD.) So you tell me how can a person take that away.

    Does he want his family or Tammy it’s his choice to make.

    you think your Tammy(GERRY) is perfect? he’s not.he the one who fuck up by not dealing with this sooner. Not me and my kids so why should we be punish. He made his choice my not dealing with it sooner so he should live with it.

    that’s not just him if any one has this choice to make than they should do it before they have a family to tear apart. If it’s that important than do it before you have a (wife or husband and kids) because your family has feeling too. or does their feeling not count.

    Maybe he can’t help the feeling i give him that, but he can help how he acts on it nobody is forcing him to do this shit to his family .He;s doing that on his own.

    He’s has to decide which one is more important to him TAMMY or his FAMILY.

  11. How can you honestly think ANYONE would do this if they had a choice? Would you choose a medical abnormality that makes your friends treat you like shit and your own family turn against you in their fear and ignorance?

    And you condemn her for following Christian advice and living Gerry's life while BEGGING God for healing and deliverance for 20+ years? To go forward with the faith that it would be done? You would prefer your children never existed to avoid some pain? Really?

    Why you believe that creating an ultimatum that has you trying to force her to choose between her soul and sanity and her family is a GOOD thing is beyond me.

    This isn't being done TO YOU. isn't about you at all. It's about her and her life...yes, which you share but not control and not dictate. Yes, your feelings count..but not at the expense of Tammy's.

    How would you feel if someone came along, kidnapped you and you woke up suddenly finding your body male, yet inside you are exactly as you are now and you were forced to stay that way, regardless of how you feel about it. How would you feel? Would it seem like just a little choice then? And if that person making you stay a male was long would it be before love turned into hate and resentment?

    Tammy isn't a decision. Tammy is a fact. You can keep repeating the same ignorant self-justifications for your terrible treatment of a person who loves you, but it doesn't make a syllable of it true.

  12. Traci
    I know i keep repeating my self on here but you don't seem to get it so here it is again.

    BUT THE HELL OUT my marriage or family. what you have to say on either one means nothing to me.

    find you another couple to FUCK up.

    I will keep repeating it until you get it. so but out.

    this family or marriage is no concern to you.

    I 'm tired of your input. if we need advice we will get it from someone who knows more than you do.

    here it is again hopefully you will get it this time. Stay out of my marriage and family we don't need you.

    I will keep saying it until you get it. Do us both a favor just let us work it out ourselves if we need you we will ask.(which we don't)

    BTW Tammy is a choice. if he were intended to be Tammy than he would have been born Tammy. God don't make mistakes.

  13. Children are born ill, deformed, or dead all the time. Do you really believe any child's suffering is part of God's plan?

    It doesn't mean God made a means Earth is a cursed place due to sin and our race's choices have made it possible for things like this to happen.

    Of course you are tired of my input: you have no real argument for facts. All you can resort to is pathetic name calling and trying to blame everyone else for your problems.

    Where is your compassion for another human being? Where is the Christian attitude? Where is the concern for anyone but yourself? You don't have to agree with Tammy to simply not be cruel and hateful about her.

    I pray you at least see this truth if none other.

  14. I'm going to try and be nice here.I don't give a dame what you or anyone else on here think about me. you believe what you want to and I will believe what I want. GERRY was not born this way if he was than HE should have been honest with me up front instead of the way HE puts it my whole marriage is a lie.

    You DAME right i'm piss he shouldn't have done this shit. he should have through about us and talked to me about this shit before he done. instead it was a surprise to me(and he knew how i hated surprises)he should have cared enough about me and this family to have at lease done that.

    that's all i'm saying about it.the only thing he has to decide is which one is more important to him.

    so please you or anyone else on this board stay out of our marriage and let us work it out ourselves.