Just a short note - assuming it's within my abilities to write anything in a short form - to say I haven't forgotten this blog or abandoned it. It's just been one of those weeks in which anything I would write would be heavy and emotional and too much of what I have posted here has been in that vein. I fear I would only be repeating myself (not that I haven't before).
My spouse and I have a huge job in front of us working out where we go from here. The basics being that I'm not sure I can live as the man she fell in love with, and she's certain she can't live with the woman I am now - and yet neither of us has any desire to be apart.
The reality is though, that one of these things must happen. Right now, I can't begin to predict which.
All I'll say on it for now is that any changes you might see in the near future are on a trial basis. If you know her and you wonder how it is she is "putting up with this" - then be advised she doesn't approve, doesn't support, and wants no part of Laura. It's only her deep love that has allowed her to endure this far, but it's fairly described as a trial period. If we separate for a while, that too, will be a trial. I'm of the opinion that to do anything more dramatic would be a rash move. If (as hard as it is for me to even admit this as a possibility) you see me out and about without the usual female adornments - that too would be a trial.
It would be a grievous mistake for you to assume I was in any doubt about who and what I am and the path I have chosen. If I were to submit myself to such a trial it would ONLY be an outgrowth of being unable to cause her the pain I am causing anymore. but it would most defiantly be abject surrender, not changing my mind. Not sure what it would do to my sanity though (assuming you think I have any left).
Anyway, the upshot is that if I were to say too much here, I'd go into a dark miserable whine which would not be productive. No one said this would be easy.
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The fact of the matter is, neither of you can be what you aren't...she can't be gay and you can't be male. You have lived the lie and know it to be unteneble. You have to know in the end, that will be true for her as well.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, the greatest thing love can do is let go. And honestly, I think both of you know that the only place this can end is friendship or acrimony. If she has never been attracted to women before, she probably never will be...no matter how much she loves you.
I'm sorry, and hate saying it, but really think about how you felt playing a part that didn't fit. You are both fooling yourselves if you think faking it will make things better...it won't. It will eat away at the good that is still between you until it dies. Deception is a tool of Satan...even when it's yourself.
Oh yes, I'm sure. I'm not under any illusion really. I'm really just trying to protect her sanity right now. either she will adjust to the idea of losing "him" or get used to knowing her. But it can't happen all at once, she can't stand the mental strain.
ReplyDelete(add to that the fact that her hormones have gone off there nut to, hot and cold flashes and all the usual other stuff including mood swings)