Sunday, May 16, 2010


So, I'm over a month into the this period of sacrifice I described in previous posts. I must say, I'm less than impressed with the results.

While it is well observed that I have not given up all of the feminine aspects of my appearance, I have done all that I agreed months ago to do - all that was said then to have been an acceptable compromise. but it turns out not to be. Hardly a day has gone by in the last month that we've not discussed how offensive my appearance and conduct remains. It feels to me like I didn't get what i bargained for, which is a cease fire and a suspension of hostilities. I didn't agree to "dial back" just to gain the privilege of defending myself at least once a day in yet more arguments. if we were going to fight all the time anyway, what did i gain by compromising?

It now is becoming apparent that the only choices remaining are two people who are perpetually hostile to each other sharing a home (and that hostility will exist either way, for if I surrender I'll be miserable and hostile, and if I do not she will be) or separation.

I'll admit (and since she often reads this probably sabotage it by saying so publicly but what the hell) that I cling to a sliver of hope that if/when we do live apart for a while she will come to realize the value in what we can still be to each other, even if I cannot be what she wants most. But I really can't tell whether or not I'm just fooling myself there.

What I do know, and keep saying (to no effect) is that even if I surrender and revert to my former apperance, spiritually I cannot BE that man anymore. I know now what I didn't know then - I know I'm not a pervert or a sinner (well, I am a sinner, as are we all, but not on this point) and I know that I'm never going to be "cured" of that which ails me. That knowledge alone makes me something and someone different than what I was when i believed that lie. i cannot go back to being the person who was trying with all "his" might to "be a man" and overcome my condition.

What I would be is simply a walking, talking lie. A hollow shell that looked like the man she loved but had none of the emotional or spiritual content. As much as she wants back the person she loved, that person, in the most important sense, no longer exists (to the extent he ever did). But she's clinging to that one-in-a-million chance that I will surrender and fake it so she doesn't have to deal with reality. I'm not sure I could survive long even making that attempt. Even if I tried.

If I'm selfish, then she deserves better than that. If I'm crazy or disturbed, then she (and the boys) deserve better than that. If I'm perverted, then they deserve better. But if I'm right, then I deserve better than to live a lie in order to save her from facing reality. Either way, where's the future?

Likewise, if she simply can't bring herself to be friends even (to not even discuss the issue of lovers) with me in this form and having made this transition, then I have no more right to ask her to fake it than she has to ask me the same.


So, long story short - if I have to move, temporarily or permanently, my internet access may well be limited to public computers for a while. If I drop off the radar for a while, you can probably speculate as to why.


  1. Ask yourself how did the 2 of u come to be this way? How did it happen? What steps were taken to get to this point and time? Where there is adversity there is God working away at yr lives. If it was smooth sailing no ground would be conquered and stagnate waters would appear. God has a plan so go with it. He is in control so go on and relinquish yr life to his will and see the amazing results of what a good work He can do in you as head of household. What do you have to loose. Choose yet choose wisely for the past has come back to haunt you. Sending prayers yr way as so the fog will be lifted and tomorrow the sun will shine a little brighter for you and your family. Things were better than you thought they were some years ago before you ventured out into an unknown world. The grass always seems greener on the other side to all of us.

  2. Oh, and and by the way never forget to love yr wife with all your heart, mind, body and soul. You know the Bible enough to know what it commands u to do in order to live A happy life here on this earth. Love your wife putting yourself aside and receive her love back. See what happens. How do you find time homeschooling 2 boys. That should keep you busy.

  3. Very cute, Jordan.

    I love how it's all on Laura. Wifey can't even compromise without continuing to cause more strife and it's still all Laura's fault?

    Laura did love her and put herself aside and got the continuation of the same persecution. Perhaps separation will make Wifey see what she is losing. You can't force someone to be what they are not. And if you can't accept that, it's time to be honest about what is possible.

    I hope, somehow it works out, but until the accusations, blinders and grasping on to a lie stops there is no possibility of it.

    Bluntly...Laura isn't going anywhere, so now what. Hiding her in a suit doesn't make her gone. She it's time to get real.