Futility

So, I'm over a month into the this period of sacrifice I described in previous posts. I must say, I'm less than impressed with the results.

While it is well observed that I have not given up all of the feminine aspects of my appearance, I have done all that I agreed months ago to do - all that was said then to have been an acceptable compromise. but it turns out not to be. Hardly a day has gone by in the last month that we've not discussed how offensive my appearance and conduct remains. It feels to me like I didn't get what i bargained for, which is a cease fire and a suspension of hostilities. I didn't agree to "dial back" just to gain the privilege of defending myself at least once a day in yet more arguments. if we were going to fight all the time anyway, what did i gain by compromising?

It now is becoming apparent that the only choices remaining are two people who are perpetually hostile to each other sharing a home (and that hostility will exist either way, for if I surrender I'll be miserable and hostile, and if I do not she will be) or separation.

I'll admit (and since she often reads this probably sabotage it by saying so publicly but what the hell) that I cling to a sliver of hope that if/when we do live apart for a while she will come to realize the value in what we can still be to each other, even if I cannot be what she wants most. But I really can't tell whether or not I'm just fooling myself there.

What I do know, and keep saying (to no effect) is that even if I surrender and revert to my former apperance, spiritually I cannot BE that man anymore. I know now what I didn't know then - I know I'm not a pervert or a sinner (well, I am a sinner, as are we all, but not on this point) and I know that I'm never going to be "cured" of that which ails me. That knowledge alone makes me something and someone different than what I was when i believed that lie. i cannot go back to being the person who was trying with all "his" might to "be a man" and overcome my condition.

What I would be is simply a walking, talking lie. A hollow shell that looked like the man she loved but had none of the emotional or spiritual content. As much as she wants back the person she loved, that person, in the most important sense, no longer exists (to the extent he ever did). But she's clinging to that one-in-a-million chance that I will surrender and fake it so she doesn't have to deal with reality. I'm not sure I could survive long even making that attempt. Even if I tried.

If I'm selfish, then she deserves better than that. If I'm crazy or disturbed, then she (and the boys) deserve better than that. If I'm perverted, then they deserve better. But if I'm right, then I deserve better than to live a lie in order to save her from facing reality. Either way, where's the future?

Likewise, if she simply can't bring herself to be friends even (to not even discuss the issue of lovers) with me in this form and having made this transition, then I have no more right to ask her to fake it than she has to ask me the same.

Impasse.

So, long story short - if I have to move, temporarily or permanently, my internet access may well be limited to public computers for a while. If I drop off the radar for a while, you can probably speculate as to why.