Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Lose end

A tiny follow-up here to the last entry, based on some feedback I've gotten.

Let me be CRYSTAL clear - I said this in the previous post but perhaps not loudly enough - I do NOT intend to imply that she is acting vindictively, or deceitfully, or with any other malicious intent. My comments refereed to the sort of actions that arise from subconscious desires of the sort most of us are generally unaware.

Anyone who read that post as me "airing dirty laundry" and bitching about her on here doesn't understand my intent. I'll admit here, for the record, that if she were making the choice, I'd never say anything at all about her here - so I try to be very aware of the distinction between chronicling my journey and "talking out of school." I don't believe I can tell the whole story without making SOME reference to the people closest to me, but it is my intention to never try to cast those people as villains in this story.

I would not be completely honest if I didn't admit that I am hurt and disappointed when someone who's been important in my life refuses to compromise their prejudices to accept me inspite of my flaws, however large. I would not be telling the whole story if I didn't say that there's a significant gap between how I had hoped she would react and how she actually did react. But that doesn't make her the bad guy and it doesn't mean i am here to tell you how she has failed me or let me down.

Let me be blunt - I KNOW who has failed who here, I KNOW who has come up short of reasonable legitimate expectations. If you ever desire to comment on one of these posts to tell me how sorry i am, save your breath - I get that. All I ever asked is that people understand the true nature of my flaws instead of imposing their preconceived ideas upon my life. I tell you again as I have before - the odds are you haven't spent 10 consecutive minutes in your whole life thinking about the nature of transsexualism, and the implications thereof (like how it fits in with being a Christian) - meanwhile I've spent almost my whole life processing the subject from every possible angle and - far from trying to justify it - spent the great majority of that time clinging desperately to the idea that it was and is nothing but sin that I could be delivered from.

With all due respect, it is astoundingly arrogant for one who has given no significant thought to a subject to presume to lecture someone who has made it their life's work. You might just as well be a ditch digger and presume to lecture Stephen Hawking on Quantum Physics.

In any case, I digress. the point of this post is to re-emphasize that you won't see me write in this space to give you the blow by blow of how hatefully my wife has treated me. Even should I ever come to conclude that she has I will not dishonor her by advertising it. I can't say that of anyone who lives outside my household however, anyone else is fair game. But not her. If you ever think you see that in my writings, you have misunderstood.

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